how to honor a life lost too soon

in what is sure to be a week filled with media coverage surrounding last week’s mall and school shootings, it is important to make some decisions. these decisions, when converted to commitments to yourself, have the power to help you and the world.

this is likely going to be a hard week to move through. holiday music will be interspersed with news updates including information about the perpetrators and grisly details of how the impacted individuals died. this morning, in one such update, the news of the first funerals in connecticut was peppered with references to how many times the child had been shot. 

this kind of information does not help us.

this kind of information does not honor the life of the child who has been lost.

the power is in your hands this week to chose life with all it’s rich, difficult, complexities or to chose a powerless stuckness of sorts. it does not benefit the residents of the affected communities to ruminate on the tragedies that have occurred. it does not honor one’s life to focus on how one died.

unless you are actively working to determine more effective safety systems for shopping malls or schools, you are a coroner, you are a first responder who needs to work through your own trauma, or you are working to affect gun control laws or services for the individuals struggling with psychiatric disorders that make them prone to instability and violent behavior you will likely be more negatively impacted than positively helped by consuming alot of detailed news this week.

the individuals who died last week at the hands of gunmen were people with lives that i’m guessing were normal, extraordinary, interesting, unique, boring, and complex. instead of spending our time thinking about the way in which they died, let’s remember them for that...for having lived. for having been on this earth in their own crazy, unique, individual ways. for having mattered to those around them. 

so, when you feel tempted to ruminate on details, when you feel as though your heart might break for the families of those who are grieving, when you feel tempted to hold on to your own children (or mothers or brothers or husbands or friends) because you fear that they, too, could be taken at any moment, try to engage in life. breathe deeply, do something active to give voice to your hurt and sadness, love someone specifically and with wreckless abandon, journal, celebrate the life of someone important to you, write a letter, turn up the music and weep or dance or yell, pray, talk with someone that helps you feel better, and, mostly live. it’s the most potent way to honor the lives of those whose opportunity to do so has been taken.

when children are murdered

when children are killed everything feels wrong in the world. and it is.

twice this week, irrational acts of violence have taken lives in public places where murder should never happen. not that murder should happen anywhere at all. in both cases, children were impacted. some by bullets that took life or left scars and some by visions and experiences creating invisible scars deep inside the soul. 

it is not only the children at clackamas town center in oregon or at sandy hook elementary school in connecticut that will have to struggle to come to terms with what they have witnessed. because of a constantly connected population, it is nearly every child today who will see images and over-hear conversations that will likely trouble them and lead to disorienting questions about why such tragedies occur.

for this reason, and so many others, i beg of you to have self control when “consuming” the media. both today and in the future. both when you are alone and when you are with others. especially children. seriously.

some will say that staying in near constant touch with a trauma and it’s unfolding details helps people gain “mastery” over situations that are frightening and out of ones’ control. still others will offer that a deep sense of empathy can result from taking in the immensity and pain of a trauma by flooding onesself with visual and written accounts of the event. i’m not sure i support either claim.

i find that staring at a screen, gobbling up gory details, past the point where the basic facts are given typically leads people to feel powerless, paralyzed, angry, and scared. none of these responses help ones own internal sense of stability nor the internal worlds of those around them. passive consumption does nothing.

active processing, however, helps. talking about what has happened, in appropriate ways with appropriate people, gets it out of our heads and into a space where we can share the burden. answering the questions that children have with just what they’ve asked for (no more or less) makes them feel empowered to ask about that which unnerves them without the secondary trauma of being given information they aren’t ready for. being open to wondering with yourself, with God, and with others about why pain exists and how you, as someone outside the trauma, might be able to help soothe the hurt that exists in the world. mr. rogers once said, “whatever is mentionable is manageable.” if you are paralyzed with fear (or rage or sadness) you are not likely to “mention” this in ways that it can be worked with and through. the children and more vulnerable people in your life will see this. you and your entire community need to be able to mention that which is upsetting (in appropriate ways) and then move to active ways of working through.

talk about what’s bothering you, ask others what is bothering them, listen, draw a picture, run as fast as you can around the block, take some deep breaths, pray, write a letter to someone you know who has faced a loss in the recent past and who could use you reaching out to them, hammer some nails, jump some rope, pound some clay, cry, yell, and then...sing, hug someone, tell someone they matter to you, give your lunch to the homeless guy you passed on the way to the restaurant, go give blood, keep breathing, keep praying, keep talking. just, whatever you do, don’t just sit reading/watching the news paralyzed by the tragedy. that is no way to to live and certainly no way to honor the loss of life you are reading about.

as a person who has lost loved ones (including children) to murder i will tell you, the press wants the story. traumatized witnesses and communities want details in order to make sense of what has occurred. everyone else buzzes with anxious sadness that is palpable. just look at how social media has “lit up” today. 

when children are murdered...when anyone is murdered...they don’t need to be remembered by their deaths. their family members and loved ones don’t want the trauma surrounding their loss to be what is held on to. death by murder is such an ugly reality to try to wrap ones head around. so...today...right now...get the smallest amount of information you need then get moving. loving. living. empathically. lovingly. in ways that honor the lives of those whose lives were cut short.

gifts of another sort

i recently struck up a conversation with the kind gentleman accepting my returns at target. it was a bizarre transaction since i was exchanging 16 sports bras for a cart full of paper products. when you volunteer for a theater company you just never know what you’re going to be buying and bringing back. i thanked him profusely as he patiently scanned in the bar code of each bra, checking it against my receipt. he seemed surprised at the gratitude, which made me feel sad. come to find out, it’s rare for customers to exercise their freedom to give feedback when things are going well. “typcially,” he said, “the only time anyone comments on our customer service is when they find it lacking.” 

i thought about this all day. isn’t it grievously true that too often we save our comments for complaining? we may enjoy seven fantastic meals and only think to actually talk about the one we hated. we’re quick to return our “not quite to the perfect temperature” latte and yet never think to look into our barista’s eyes to thank them for doing the job they do. we enjoy clean bathrooms yet look away when those that make them so are pulling their cart in or out of the door and we only ask to speak to the manager when we are dissatisfied.

i am making a commitment to give comments of another sort this month. when i speak with a customer service rep of any kind on the phone and they simply engage with me efficiently, i’m asking to be transferred to their manager so that i can sing their praises. i’m taking 60 seconds to fill out comment cards and list peoples’ names that have helped me. when a manager is present i’m walking over to them and pointing at the amazing clerk and saying, “fantastic job you did hiring that wonderful person there! way to go!” i’m looking the person who pumps my gas (we can’t pump our own in oregon...i know...weird...) in the eye and saying, “what you do matters. thank you so much!” and i’m leaving notes and tips in my hotel rooms thanking those that clean and tidy. 

i am determined to give gifts that matter and gifts that last. gifts that are loud and bold enough to counter the criticisms usually spoken with little regard for their lasting effects. for gifts of graciousness build up and grow into graciousness in return.

x ray vision

i’ve spent some time, recently, with a few people who would fit into the category that our world calls “beautiful.” while i am personally connected to these particular individuals by blood, love, and history, it is shocking to me to witness how often it is their physical appearance that gains them recognition in the eyes of others. “you’re so beautiful,” literally spills from peoples’ mouths upon introduction. wide eyed stares mark awkward pauses. a few times people have actually commented to me about the gorgeousness of my companions as though: a) the “object of beauty” weren’t present and hearing the conversation or b) i somehow deserved credit for being associated with such stunning attractiveness. if it weren’t so surprising to me, i would have a comeback and if i did, it would sound something like this:

“i know! (insert name) is really beautiful. it’s shocking to me, however, that you saw it so quickly. typically graciousness and determination take time to uncover. honesty reveals itself in similarly slow and methodical ways. intelligence and character can’t be detected by the human eye and humility is rarely revealed upon simply learning ones’ name. to be honest, so little about beauty can be seen. at least beauty that is solid. and grounded. and deep. you are brilliant to be so perceptive! i’m amazed!”

beauty that resides in the external only is just a part of a persons’ story. i feel sad both for those who are seen as having this gift and for those who are seen as lacking it. the former leave encounters with the world feeling as though their externals are what matter most, fearing a loss of their most-important-to-the-world gift with each inevitable imperfection that comes with being human. the latter, however, feel marginalized, are often over (or at least under) “looked,” and feel compelled to find compensatory methods of making a positive first (that leads to lasting) impression.

in this system, everyone loses.

social psychology tells us that people tend to settle in friend groups and partnerships with individuals who they find similar in physical attractiveness to themselves. for example, individuals who perceive themselves a “7,” so to speak, on the american “1-10” scale of attractiveness, tend to associate with individuals they see as falling in the “5-8” range. they wouldn’t want to risk dipping too far down into the scale and losing some of their own attractiveness by being closely associated with someone too far “below” them and they don’t want any 10s around to reveal their lack.

does this bother anyone else?

while i’m sure that my blind spots are as big as anyone else’s, i see physical appearance as being only one small part of what makes a person beautiful and compelling to associate ones’ self with. scales that refer to externals only can do no justice to the intentions of the heart, the brilliance of the mind, the creativity of an individual, or the complexity that drives them.

i wish we all had x ray vision. not the kind that every teen age boy seeks with dime store glasses that promise to “see” through clothing. the kind, instead, that sees past the externals and into the being of those with whom we share space. the kind that waits to make judgements about beauty until there are substantive reasons to do so that don’t leave the externally beautiful feeling objectified and the externally less-than-beautiful feeling left out. vision that sees flaws (in ones’ self and others) as part of what makes a person unique and interesting. vision that tends toward noticing what makes a person “fun,” “loyal,” “brilliant,” “special,” “relational,” “generous,” and any other number of other traits in equal proportion (at least) to the ratings it makes about physical appearance.

and if we can’t have x ray vision i wish we could have x ray perception that would allow us a reality check about how the words we use about ourselves and others label, qualify (or disqualify), and shape the way we encounter. for, regardless of our physical appearance, our words, and even our thoughts/intentions, can contribute to a world wherein beauty is skin deep or further in...where only x ray vision can see.

offerings

"None of us gets to be competent, mature people without the help of others... people who have loved us all along the way. I'd like to give you a minute to think of those who have believed in you...those who have helped you live your life knowing what was good and real. A minute of silence to remember those who have cared about us through our lives..in our being who we are right now.”
(insert one minute of silence)
“Whomever you've been thinking about, whether they're here or far away or even in heaven, imagine how pleased they'd be to know that you recognize what a difference they've made in your becoming.” fred rogers

i receive a monthly email quote from the office of family communications, inc., the organization conceived of and nurtured by mr. rogers. the quote you just read is the one i received today. if my memory serves me (and it usually does with all things mr. rogers), he delivered these words on live television when presented with a prestigious life time achievement award. i remember him at the microphone, in a tuxedo, speaking to a room full of celebrities and standing there for a full minute in complete silence. he didn’t just suggest finding a time to consider the important people in one’s life. he actually created the time. right then and there. i have always wondered how many teachers, neighbors, mentors, doctors, and parents received phone calls from those assembled that night and i’ve considered how many hallmark cards were sent the following day to those who were thought of in that minute of pause. 

last week i had the humbling honor of hanging out at biola university where i was participating in a campus wide conversation about faith and technology. before i arrived i ordered 4000 pipe cleaners to be handed out during my first talk. as many folks know, i always bring something for people to play with while i talk. it keeps them engaged and gives them something to do if they find me utterly boring. my bringing toys is nothing new. what happened after that first talk at biola, however, was utterly unique. i was brought offerings. pipe cleaner creations in the shapes of shooting stars and thumb braces (to help protect against the effects of over zealous texting) and magic carpets and genie lamps, cards with original art work and meaningful words, and tomes scribbled on the back of notes being studied for a test following my talk. later in the week more offerings were made. words, spoken and written. playdough sculptures and gluey collages. lingering conversations filled with eye contact and awkward transitions. one special student even brought me a massive jug of apple juice. “if i brought you a gift,” he said, “i thought you might remember to pray for me.” trust me phil, jug of juice or not, i will remember to pray for you.

as i packed my suitcase at the end of the week i felt a deep well of gratitude to these students who possibly felt silly, who risked being misunderstood, who likely felt awkward in offering tokens of their thanks and expressions of their struggles, their longings, and their hopes. 

these are offerings of the most precious and rare kind. for many, writing a check is easy. for others, giving time is a breeze. some offer up effort or labor without thinking twice. much less frequently, however, people feel free to take risks in making offerings. instead we give what is “safe.” what is “normal.” what is expected. we shy away, however, from offerings that are personally costly, relationally risky, and that have the possibility of being misunderstood.

as we north americans embark on a day of thanks-giving i challenge each of you to sit in a minute of silence. let the name of a person (or two or three or...) float to the surface of your mind. once there, consider an offering of gratitude that would speak deeply and directly to that individual and make it, thinking not of how silly you might feel in giving it nor how misunderstood the offering itself might be, and instead “imagin[ing] how pleased they'd be to know that you recognize what a difference they've made in your becoming.”

ohio

if you’re breathing and you live in the united states you’ve been hearing alot about ohio these past few weeks.

i had the distinct honor of visiting one small part of the state a year ago and i can see what all the attention is about. i ate one of the best indian meals i’ve ever tasted in a locally owned restaurant and found incredibly unique teas at another. i marveled at an intersection in one small town which housed a jewish synagogue, a greek orthodox church, and a christian college. a few blocks away sat a muslim mosque. all were stunningly beautiful, each in its own way. the people i encountered were friendly and warm, smart and broad minded. i can see why ohio would be all the rage. it’s a really wonderful place.

the reality is, however, that it’s currently on the map because of its significance in the upcoming election. if the media was all you attended to you’d never know that there were indian restaurants or exotic teas or vibrant faith communities or smart people in ohio. you’d think there were only electoral college votes. this makes me sad.

so often, these days, we settle for 140 character summaries of “news.” we feel uber-connected to current events yet our knowledge of them is sentence deep. “super storm shuts down northeast,” “new poll puts candidate x in the lead,” “negotiations between teachers union and district fail,” “honey boo boo endorses candidate y.” with the sheer number of updates we receive in a day we feel caught up and yet often know very little about what’s really going on. further, what we do know is likely biased by the shape of the social and digital networks we’ve created.

just as the less experienced internet user forwards every warning they receive to everyone in their inbox, we mindlessly forward and “like” and repost and retweet without much thought for considering the content. in so doing we reduce the complicated realities of life (and politics and religion and weather and relationships and, well, everything) to trite digestible sound bytes. 

it’s as if we’re becoming increasingly comfortable eating meal replacement bars instead of preparing a balanced breakfast. such bars are convenient and filling and even have some nutrients but they pale in comparison to the taste, experience, and nutritional value of a thoughtfully created meal or the complication presented in having to make sure that there is balance in one’s diet. you may love chocolate chip protein bars but that doesn’t mean that a constant stream of them is optimal for your health and well being.

it’s the same with current events. it’s the same with life. there are things i like. there are things i agree with. things that are easy for me to chuckle at or “amen” in response to, to understand and to comprehend. these are things that are easy for me to promote. there are also difficult things, complex things that i want to be hearty enough to welcome. things like my neighbor’s differing view points, my fellow country member’s divergent and complex needs, the preferences of those that tick me off. these are the reasons i want not to be content with short updates and news from only sources i, in my certainty, “condone” as worthy. 

i want, for myself, to become less and less content being sure of everything related to politics. i want to be open to complexity and to respectfully listen to those whose opinions and preferences i don’t share. i want to take the medias word for less and less and rely on the tried and true methods of inquiry and research and deep exploration to find sturdy places to land ideologically, practically, and realistically.

and so, ohio, i honor you. not because i want to shape you or mold you or convince you to vote like i want you to but, rather, because we share space in this world and you matter in it as much as i.

making space

on a recent trip to southern california i was motivated to think a great deal about space. while there i heard story after story of the space shuttle, newly grounded, preparing to make its way to its permanent home in an air and space museum. folks were mostly concerned about the ridiculous number of trees that were removed along the sidewalks of the streets it would travel along. as i encountered the buzz i kept thinking how humorous it was that we were busily clearing space down here in order to commemorate having made space in, well, space.

it strikes me that each of us could benefit from a similar kind of clearing.

more than any other time in history, our lives are full. we make our way through our days in status updates and think in 140 character tweet type self talk. we chronicle our meals via instagram and pull out our mini super computers (called cell phones) any time we are idle. in the grocery store check out. at red lights. during dinner and even with friends. one of the newer regular complaints amongst my partnered clients revolves around the amount of time their partners spend reading, playing games, and trolling social networking sites while sitting on the toilet. truly. we are available 24 hours a day and there are plenty of screens that will oblige our availability.

in response to an article i recently shared about how sleeping with smart phones might impact sleep quality, a young man (who i used to babysit...nothing like the young teaching the old...) emailed me about his high school band teacher. this wise sage had reminded his students that the rests in music were as meaningful as the notes that were played. rests are active, they accentuate, they direct attention.

it’s similar with space. spaciousness, whether it be in the realm of intrapersonal experience or our actual geographic locales, matters. the trick is that is typically not easily created. it isn’t easy to move a huge space shuttle through small and busy city streets. it was created to move in much less restrictive spaces.

it’s similar with our souls. we were not meant to live squeezed into the spaces we place ourselves. the expectations of ourselves and others in our new 24 hour full on connectedness, the commitments we have actively and passively made, the demands of our vocational and personal work, the necessities of day to day living all threaten to choke out any rest time that might present itself. further, we delude ourselves into thinking that staring at a screen is restful so exclusively substitute screen (and earbud) time for true self time.

without rests, however, music (and life) becomes cacophonous. imagine the frenetic feeling that would result from removing the rests from the familiar opening bars of bethoven’s fifth symphony. if the “dah, dah, dah, dddaaaahhhh’s” had no space to separate them, the music would become a single lump of sound. it would lose it shape, its feeling, its uniqueness.

so it is with all of us. without rests we lose our selves. we become defined by what we do, by what we watch/listen to, by how we update, by who needs and wants us (and who doesn’t). we become caught up in productivity and consuming rather than with restoring a sense of internal balance and calm and being able to delay gratification and/or stimulation. the trouble is, rests are active and many of us have no idea how to achieve them. what is restful to some is not to others and often we stop trying if we don’t achieve early success in resting our souls.

so consider what you have readily available and begin there...with lungs that can take in air, with a body that can stretch and move, with a mind that can wander and imagine, with a nose that can smell and a mouth that can savor. with a minute or two or three, an hour, or more. begin small...by simply being still and opening yourself to receive the rest that can come in the way it comes best for you. notice it. lean into it as you would lean into the wildest turn on a roller coaster for there is nothing more stimulating than rest.