when we hurt

when we are hurting it is hard work to make our way to comfort. such. hard. work. 

sometimes, when we hurt, our minds and bodies and hearts slow down. at times, to the point that we feel as though they are no longer capable of recovery. and sometimes they are not. there are just some hurts that are not recoverable from, so to speak. while we may move past them to other states of being, they leave scars. at other times our hurt speeds us up. adrenaline and the urge to defend ourselves against further pain cause us to lash out, hit back, or stew. at still other times our hurt seeks out more of itself because wejustcan’tlookaway. in these moments we “console” ourselves by heaping more hurt onto the pile. this is the state from which “misery loves company” was born. while the sentiment may not be completely accurate it is typically true that humans choose the familiar to the unknown. when we hurt, pain becomes our familiar.

hurt is complex and messy. we establish patterns, early on, of how we will deal with it, often moving through life either craving or avoiding it in one way or another. these patterns, unexamined, rarely serve us well. 

to that end, might i make a suggestion? if you are feeling hurt, take a few deep breaths. look up and around, out past the hurt, for just a moment or two. find something that is absolutely beautiful, simple, soothing, comforting and go to it. resist the voices that tell you that you don’t have time, that your hurt is too big/serious/important to look away from for a few moments, or that there is nothing that could possibly comfort you in this state. go to the thing of beauty, of simplicity, of soothing, or comfort and be with it fully. let it’s power seep into your core. let it relieve you. even for just a moment. these moments of comfort provide a pain holiday of sorts, allowing you to come back to your hurt with a new resilience and perspective. sometimes with resources to address the hurt in more healthy ways.

after a long series of pains and hurts and burdens, i met week old wesley today. for the bit of time i was honored to hold him, i let the peace, beauty, serenity, bold goodness, and newness of life that is wes seep deeply into me. as i returned him to his (amazing) parent’s arms and hopped into my car i was surprised by a deep rumbling in my soul. this was followed by unexpected and uncontrollable tears. i wept. and then i wept some more. finally, at my destination, i wept until my stomach hurt and my eyes were swollen and my hurt was lessened.  like rain after a drought, the tears softened the hard earth of my hurt. tonight none of the heavy situations around me are resolved but i am more ready to face them. 

finding that which is uniquely comforting or soothing to you may be hard work. it is, however, hard work worth doing. let your senses guide you...eat or smell or look at something beautiful. jump on a trampoline, run hard and fast, or take a lingering walk one slow step at a time. take a bath. put your feet in a fountain. get lost in a crowd. hole up in your room or your yard or the library. read something silly or mindless or completely other worldly. let a familiar and safe location “hold” you. wrap yourself in a blanket and pull it tight around you, picturing the gaze of a loving (truly loving...that’s all...loving) God who delights in you. find someone who does delight in you and ask them to gaze at you or hold your hand or toss the frisbee or whatever it is that would help. whatever that is...find it...engage it. let it comfort you until the tears or the yells or the laughter or whatever else needs to come out of you comes out to make space for newness, softness, and the receptivity for grace.

if your hurt or your patterns of response to hurt are such that you simply can’t find a comforting place, path, or action, reach out to someone who can help you find that which will sooth your soul. therapists, counselors, children, wise elders, pastors, your sponsor, possibly even your neighbor are all good sources. if none of those are available to you, email me at doreen@doreendm.com and let’s help you find your place of solace and rest.

what is easy (and what is not)

I recently spent several days in the company of an 11 year old. This capable, brilliant, big hearted human has many gifts. He is remarkably relational, uber responsible, and deeply curious. He can engage just about anyone in an enjoyable conversation and makes nearly everyone he interacts with smile. He has a passion for presidents, is gifted musically, and can explain the dynamics of a group with amazing clarity. Puzzles, however, are a totally different animal. This kiddo, blessed with a million and one gifts, struggles with all things mathematical.

Not thinking, I grabbed a hand held manipulative puzzle game to play with him while we waited for dusk at the drive in movie theater. Starting with the most basic level, he struggled to complete it. I immediately realized my mistake and sweated, trying to help him accomplish the task with his sense of independence and competency intact. This was no easy task. I am attached to this person and could see the absolute cluelessness in his eyes as he tried to figure out how the lizards should leap to get to their lily pads. I could sense how confused and untethered he felt as he faced down a task that was not suited to his strengths. I squirmed. He kept at it, all the while saying “This is easy!” Anyone near by would have thought it should be...an 11 year old playing a puzzle game. He finished that first mission declaring, one final time, that the task had been “so easy” but I knew better. There was nothing easy about what he had just done. Nothing.

Isn’t it interesting how we comfort and challenge ourselves with the words, “This is easy”? We use the phrase to push ourselves along and motivate. We also use it to criticize our slow progress or halting successes. “This is easy dummy! Why can’t you get it done?” In other situations we use the phrase to announce to others how simple things are for us. “Oh, that was easy!” affirms our giftedness, abilities, and smarts. Finally, we employ it to ward off compliments that are difficult to receive or to express a sort of false humility. “Oh that little(huge) thing I pulled off? It was easy.”  In the context of our relationships, we use it to compliment and criticize interchangeably. “You’re so lucky that that is so easy for you.” and “What’s up with that imbecile? Seriously, that should be so easy.” both roll off our tongues. We swap disregard for acknowledgement and judgement for empathy. We assume that which is easy is good and that which is easy for us should be easy for others. We are so often so wrong.

Basically, the phrase itself is rarely accurate. When something is actually simple for us to accomplish, it is uncommon for us to announce it. When an architect designs a building they don’t do so out of ease. Instead, they have developed a set of skills and practiced them, making it relatively easy to accomplish at a basic level. They don’t decry, at the end of the process, the ease with which they completed the task. That is because it is never that simple. It just isn’t. 

The same can be true of all sorts of skills and all variety of people. We say, “This is easy,” however, most commonly when we need comfort, attention, or, bizarrely, motivation to persevere. We are sweating at a task and don’t want anyone to notice so our words say “This is easy” to distract from our struggle. We feel unseen and as though our accomplishments don’t matter so we point them out by decrying the ease with which we accomplished them. Or, we feel incompetent to complete a task and spur ourselves on by telling ourselves that “This should be easy (idiot!). Keep going (stupid!). Even a moron could accomplish this silly little (absolutely impossible!) task.”

This phrase is so counterproductive. When we use it, we are often referring to something that could, in fact, contribute to our own feelings of competence, mastery, or satisfaction. In firing it off we shoot our own selves in the foot. If my dear 11 year old friend could have said, “This is totally and frustratingly hard! I am, however, keeping at it!” at the end, we could have celebrated his persistence and effort. Instead, since it was “so easy” there is nothing for which to collect affirmation or kudos. 

I believe that many of the most important actions required for living a healthy and engaged life are far from easy. I also believe that being honest about the challenges we take on has merit. “Personing up” to the things that are difficult for us has the potential of inviting entirely new levels of inspiration, connection, and support. When I am willing to express to a safe community that I am taking on a difficult (for me) challenge, I invite others to encourage me as well as to take on their own new pursuits. Yes, there is the risk that some might use this information against me, but the greater likelihood is that I will find partners for my journey and develop the internal ability to persist and be resilient. 

Persistence and resilience are twin traits that allow us to take on that which is not easy. When we are persistent we keep at the task, even when it is difficult, believing that there is a pay off for continued effort. Resilience determines our ability to handle difficulties and disappointments without experiencing undue levels of psychological distress (anxiety, depression, mania, etc). These two skills cannot be developed without struggle. They are not purchasable and can’t be “granted.” Without risking that which is not easy we simply don’t learn how to keep going in the face of obstacles. Neither do we magically inherit the ability to make sense of our successes or failures and all the states in between. This skill must be developed. We must “thicken our emotional skin” over time and repeated efforts to master things. We must find that which suits us and that which does not and discern those risks which will contribute to our being healthier humans with optimally complex lives.

Not only do we benefit from attempting the difficult, but there is much to be gained by acknowledging the “uneasy tasks” that those around us undertake. It may feel odd at first to speak into the life of another, but as a difficult task in it’s own rite this process can be a gift to both parties. “I imagine that this process/task might be very difficult. I think it’s amazing that you are undertaking it.” “I bet that this accomplishment was far from easy. Way to go persisting at it.” “I see how hard you are trying. Do you need help along the way?” are all ways of communicating that there is no need for false humility or unnecessary effort to make something look simple. They also acknowledge that the process is often as important as the outcome. 

Every one of us lives with complications and complexities. I’ve written it here before and will do so again. “Be kind to everyone, for their’s is a difficult journey.” Mine. Yours. That person over there’s. All of ours. Our journeys are difficult. The requirements: not easy. Given this, I propose a set of new go-to phrases for use in place of “This is easy.” These statements will encourage persistence, resilience, effort, and authentic connection potential. Jot them down somewhere where you’ll see them and then give them a whirl, knowing that you are telling the truth in the service of a healthier life and encouraging the same in others. 

In place of “This is easy!” how about try:

“This is not easy.”

“I could use some help.”

“I began something that I wasn’t ready for. I need to decide to lay it down or to persist. Which is better for me?”

“I wonder if you began something that you weren’t ready for. What would it cost you to lay it down? What would it cost you to persist? Which seems healthier for you?”

“If persisting at this makes sense, where might I find help.”

“Things that are difficult may be worth working at.”

“This being difficult for me does not make me stupid/incapable/less than/not enough.”

“I have many gifts. This is not one of them. That is o.k.”

“I can handle trying this, even if it is not simple and even if I do not succeed. My value and worth is intact.”

“Ease is not a static measure. What is easy for me is not easy for others. There is value in diversity and beautify in complex communities.”

lament & cleaning old wounds

things i know and don’t know about lament:

what is clear about lament:

1 it is excruciating.

2 it isn’t chosen. i just comes out of you. from your core. your toes. your bones.

3 it feels out of control to be in a state of lament and even more out of control to witness someone else in that space.

4 westerners avoid it. at all costs. always.

5 it is the only way to healing. un-grieved losses/unfelt regrets fester. they infect the soul and body and take their toll on you and all those around you.

6 it cannot be “fixed,” coaxed, or prayed out of a person. it is a natural process. crisis (of all kinds) causes reactions. one of them is grief and regret. pretending that these don’t exist will not make them go away. it will, in fact, make them grow.

what is not clear about lament:

1 it cannot be objectively defined and/or quantified. for some, lament will include sorrow and tears, for others anger and yelling. for some, isolation and, for others, intense desire for enmeshed connection. because of this, it cannot be judged.

2 what may cause strong lamentation for one person may not for another. our personal experiences are just that, personal. there is no way any of us can know, unless we are privy to disclosures, how deeply a loss or regret might impact anyone other than ourselves. what we see on the surface (or show on the surface) is just that, on the surface. there is always a root sustaining a weed above the ground. always.

3 lament is different from disappointment. it isn’t complaining. it is bigger than simply blowing off steam and it is close to wanting to die. when one is in a state of lament they are in the messy process of closet cleaning. everything must be thrown out, surveyed, chosen or disgarded before any semblance of order can be found.

cleaning old wounds:

the act of lament (which i consider honest and authentic expressions of grief or regret) requires a lot of work. intentional and accidental. deliberate and passive. it is often accompanied by seemingly non-sensical desires for both isolation and connection, imbalanced cravings for both the bright lights of the city and the darkness of ones’ bedroom. it is rarely within one’s control and it is often accompanied by a proliferation of bodily fluids. especially sweat and snot.

lament is not pretty. neither is it safe. it resists easy answers, tidy appearances, and platitudes. it doesn’t mind its manners. it raises its voice (and sometimes its fist) and uses salty language. it makes us unpredictable and leads us to feel untethered, unraveled, and adrift. lament is complicated and most of us are looking for less, not more, complications (read messy, complex, unpredictable, and emotional) in our lives. and so, it stays locked up, under the surface. especially within the shared spaces of our communities. who wants to invite mess? welcome pain? to not know what to say?

in Truth and Love seeking communities, however, the act of lament is necessary. if we are to love each other authentically, how can we justify being unwilling to wipe the eyes (and noses) of those among us who face excruciating pain, unimaginable loss, and unrelenting regret. to bring about peace there must be space for lament. the remnants of loss breed complex emotional reactions similar to the infections caused at the site of an uncleaned wound. for the skin to heal peacefully there must be a cleansing and that process will almost always hurt. 

opening ourselves and our communities to the reality of pain takes courage and a letting go of control regarding how things “should” look. oh, and, kleenex doesn’t hurt and neither does the loving rich deep silence of simply being there.

(originally published in the "making peace through lament 2015 peace reader" published by the northwest yearly meeting of friends)

ideas for long weekends (excitement, ambivalence, & dread)

we are on the eve of a holiday weekend and i can feel it...the excitement, the ambivalence, the exhaustion, the dread.” weekends such as this are such a mixed bag for so many people and we would be wise to enter them with intention. to that end, i offer the following thoughts and ideas on celebrating a day off and considering your neighbor.

some basic considerations:

1 it’s o.k. to ask for what you would like. even if you have children or partners or friends to whom you are committed, it’s important that you have a clear understanding of your hopes and that you take steps to communicate and achieve them in some measure. if you need some alone time, it is your responsibility to get it. if you need some community connection, it is yours to seek out. no one can read your mind and expecting them to will only lead to resentment and disappointment. it might not be the easy path to add your needs into the mix but it is the only one that will lead to healthy relationships and a successful long weekend. 

2 it’s important to be flexible. if you take the above consideration seriously and make efforts to get what you would prefer and it doesn’t happen, a gracious and flexible response is important. if you wanted some connection, invited it, and were turned down do not dismay. similarly, if you wanted alone time, sought it out, and it proved elusive, take a breath. you can celebrate having tried. it may not be your first choice to do the next hours in the way that they are evolving, but there is likely still meaning and fun to be gleaned.

3 a party of one can still be a party. as a person who could easily err on the side of too much independence i am always shocked by the fear that many people have of doing things alone. i am not referring here to the sadness that results from wishing that one had a more meaningful relationship, a deeper community, or the like. i know that, for those who would prefer to move through life with a partner as opposed to without one, the ache is profound and real. i also know that western culture can behave toward these individuals as though they simply haven’t tried hard enough or been willing enough or whatever other message leads them to feel marginalized and even more lonely.  these realities stink. hugely! (this post might get somewhat near addressing the coming days for these folks) what i am talking about here, however, is the hesitance that some people feel to try things if they cannot find someone to try them with. if you feel hesitant/fearful/resistant to trying something or having an experience because you will have to do it alone, you leave your experience collection in the hands of others. this is not fair to them or to you. if you want to have an experience and cannot find anyone to join you in it, why not try it with your self?

it is important to me to practice what i preach. to that end i have done the following activities alone. i have gone bowling, danced up at the front of a concert, gone to movies, plays, meals, and events, had picnics, hiked, vacationed, attended a meet up, done a road trip, volunteered at civic events, and more totally by myself. even in crowds of connected others. when people ask me, “aren’t you afraid of what others will think?” i smile and say, “who cares?” i know the mind of others. even if they think, for a fleating second, “she’s alone” the next moment their mind will be elsewhere and i’ll still be there getting the experience i wanted or needed and feeling a deep sense of satisfaction for doing so.

4 being productive is one way of being in the world. while a strong work ethic is a helpful thing, it is important to learn to be idle. rest, refreshment, and changes of pace are important for overall health. for some, this ability is largely underdeveloped. for these individuals, exploring ways of tolerating a slower pace and the art of being, can be important and empowering. it can also feel foreign and scary. be patient and open, there are plenty of ways of developing the skill of being.

5 even the smallest of communities and barest of cupboards can provide all that is needed for a meaningful day. if you are a person of creative pursuit you already know this. if not, you may lack ideas for how to spend the long weekend ahead of you. to that end, i humbly offer the following list of ideas for how to make fun from something or from next to nothing and for simply making the most of the days ahead. 

ideas for a long weekend:

1 see the movie “inside out.” don’t ask questions, don’t read reviews, don’t think it’s only for kids. just go. now. if you are fortunate enough to live in an area where a drive in theater is showing it, try that. 

2 try a kind of food you’ve never eaten. go out, get take out, or try a recipe at home. if you don’t want to make that much effort, open your fridge and mix two things you haven’t ever mixed before. if even that feels like too big a stretch make some pasta or rice then mix equal measures of peanut butter (or any nut butter) and salsa to put on top. trust me...

3 people watch. find a park or a table at a cafe or just sit on the sidewalk somewhere. watch people. make up stories about where they’ve been and where they’re going. don’t judge, just make up stories. do this for at least an hour. push past the time where you feel uncomfortable and self conscious.

4 if your town hosts a 4th of july parade, make a stationary float. this was one of my family traditions growing up. sit (either by yourself or with others) on a parade route with poster boards and a sharpie with which you make signs to hold up for the people in the parade. some ideas: “we love the parks department” “nice wheels” “marching bands make my day” “thank you” “throw candy this way”  you get the idea.

5 invite your neighbors to join you for sparklers after dark. it can be as simple as that. leave a little note at a few neighbor’s doors saying sparklers and lighters at 9 p.m. out front...join me for a ten minute neighborly celebration. 

6 read. maybe even a paper book. put your clock or phone away and let yourself get lost in the story. don’t pay attention to the time.

7 doodle. if you have crayons or colored pencils, get them out and go crazy. if not, any old paper and pen will work.

8 do a puzzle. if you don’t have one, most stores have a cheap option for you. put it out on thursday night in a place where you can work on it a little bit at a time over the weekend.

9 if you are hosting others try something new in the way of letting go of expectations. be intentional about dropping some detail or letting yourself off the hook for the celebration being perfect. try to do the event in a new way that allows a new or different level of engagement for you.

10 doorbell ditch or sidewalk chalk surprise someone. make a plate of goodies (they don’t need to be fancy) or draw someone a picture and write an encouraging note then leave it at their door, ring the bell, and run away or write affirmations all over their driveway with sidewalk chalk and leave before they catch you.

11 go iceblocking. grab an ice block or two from a convenience store and a towel from home. go to a park with hills. go to the top of the hill, put the towel on the top of the ice block, sit on it, slide down the hill. over time, as the ice block begins to melt, your slides will be faster.

12 blow bubbles. you don’t even need to go get anything. you have everything you need at home. empty a can of it’s goods, remove the top and bottom of the can and dip one end in the following mixture then blow through the other end. bubble “juice” recipe: 1/2 c dishwashing liquid (joy brand works especially well) 2 c water 2 tsp sugar

13 make (and play with) play dough. even if you have no kids. seriously. this is fun. a good recipe can be found here.

14 write a thank you note. you don’t need a card or fancy stationery. simply think of someone who has made an impact on your life and type or write them a note to spell out how their importance to you.

15 find a store in your area that you’ve never visited and check it out. if there is any kind of international market near you, that is a great place to start. just go explore.

16 put your feet in cold water. find a public fountain in which to dip your toes. if one doesn’t exist, get a kiddie pool or a large plastic tub and fill it with cold water then sit with your feet in it in your yard. invite others if you’d like or just enjoy the cool quiet by yourself.

17 if all else fails and you decide to turn to netflix or hulu, make your entertainment choices matter by choosing thought provoking and “smart” media. for my top picks you can go here.